September 2nd, 2011


Title: Oh Mr Jones!
Author: Iantosdreamer46
Rating: R, adult themes, occasional language,
Pairings/Characters: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Tosh/Owen,
Spoilers: None that I know of
Summary: Ianto goes undercover as a Supply Teacher.
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, they belong to RTD and the BBC. I am just experimenting with them....
Written for the longliveianto bingo: Secret Identity - 3324 words


“Jack we have reports of more teenagers walking around as if in a trance.  Are we going to investigate?”

“What do you mean Gwen?  I thought that was their normal state for that age?  Don’t they just ignore the older generation anyway.  So what’s new?”

“No Jack I’m serious.  Something’s not right.  Look!”

Gwen had the CCTV showing the local comprehensive school at leaving time.  All the older students seemed to be walking around, not looking where they were going and not speaking to anyone.

“Mmm interesting.  I think we need to get someone in there to find out what’s going on.”

“Who’re we going to send.  You can’t go, think about the accent.  They’re going to know something’s not quite right.  Anyway can you speak Welsh?”

“You know I can’t, well not the words that you or they would want to hear.  Ianto’s been teaching me a few at night.”

“Oh I bet he has!  But let’s not go there shall we?  Well Jack I’m offering my services.  I always wanted to be a teacher, and I can speak Welsh.”

“Thought you always wanted to be a police officer?”

“Yeah that was my second career choice.  It’s just I….well let’s just say I couldn’t cope with the attitudes of the teenagers now a day’s.”

“I could go.”

“No Ianto, I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“Listen Jack, I can speak Welsh, I’m good looking, well you think I am, and I don’t mind dealing with teenagers.”

“Oh yeah Yan you’re definitely hot.”


They all looked at Jack and Ianto.  They couldn’t believe how two good looking men were so hot together.

“Jack, Ianto has a point, they wouldn’t be suspicious if he went in as a supply teacher.  Anyway I know for a fact that their male English teacher is off for a long time, he broke his leg when he came off his motorbike last week.”

“That’s settled it then Jack.  I’m the new English Teacher.”

Jack kissed him “be careful my love, I want you back in one piece.”

Ianto whispered “you’ll have me in any pieces you want cariad.” And kissed him back.

“Promises, promises Mr Jones.”

Ianto arrived for work and was introduced to the rest of the English staff.  He noted that they were all female.  He felt a bit out of place, plus they all thought he was cute.  He caught two of them giggling like school girls when he entered a room and they immediately stopped as he approached them.  What have I got myself into?  I can cope with the teaching of English, but fending off women who fancy me, well that’s another matter.  Oh Jack I wish you were here, you’re better at this than I am.

He went into his classroom to be confronted by a group of Year 9 students.  And by all accounts from the conversations he’d overheard in the staffroom this year group were the worst.

All chat stopped as he stood at the front “Good morning, I’m Mr Jones and I’ll be your English teacher whilst Mr Reed’s leg heals.”

“Mmmm morning Mr Jones, have you got a girlfriend?  If not, I’m available!”

Ianto was stunned at the blatant cheek of one of the girls.  This caused a giggle from the rest of the girls in the class.

“Hey Mr Jones, if you’re not interested in Joanna, maybe you’d like to go on a date with me?”

This time it was one of the boys in the group.  Ianto was wondering if he could tell that he was with Jack.  Don’t be stupid Ianto, he’s just trying to rattle your cage.  Get a grip.  Jack will have a field day with this when I tell him.

Ianto smiled “Right shall we get started?  I do believe you’re looking at Julius Caesar and you’re up to the point where Marc Antony gives his Friends, Romans, Countryman speech.  Can I have a volunteer to carry on with reading that part please?”

Several hands shot up, and he also noticed that several of the girls were smiling and winking at him.

The lesson went without any further hiccups and Ianto heaved a huge sigh of relief when it was over.  It was break time and he had to contact Tosh to let her know if he’d found anything yet.

“Hi Tosh, have you managed to find out anything else that could help me with this.  The sooner I’m out of here the better.  I’m being eaten alive, by both students and staff.  I really could do with some help.”

Tosh laughed “sorry Ianto, I would love to be a fly on the wall in one of your lessons.”

“Come on Tosh, please help me out here.  I know Jack said he wanted me to stay safe, but that was from aliens not staff and students.”

Jack had been listening to the conversation “Mmm Yan eating you alive sounds hot, when you coming home?”

“Jack please this is not funny.  You should try it.”

“I offered, but Gwen pointed out that I can’t speak Welsh.  Don’t worry my love I’ll make it up to you tonight.  Now what have you found out?”

“Oh just that the English staff don’t like their head of department, they giggle when I enter a room, the year 9 girls fancy me and the boys have asked me if I’m gay.”

Jack laughed out loud “Oh Ianto, you’re having a good time then?”

“No, Jack, I’m not.  So the quicker we can sort this out the better.  The year 11’s have their English exam tomorrow and from what I can gather this trance happens once they’d sat an exam.  So far it’s only a few of the year group as the only exams have been their options.  Tomorrow is the whole of the year group with the English exam.  I’m going to try to get myself into the exam as an invigilator that way I can see what happens first hand.”

“Ok, just don’t make it obvious what you’re doing.  If they find you snooping too much I’d hate to think what they would do to you.”

“Thanks for that Jack, I’ll be careful.  Anyway I’ll be home around four, the school day finishes at 3.40pm so I’m not hanging around to be devoured by the staff.”

“Ok, but be careful my love.  And Ianto….”

“Yeah Jack?”

“I’ll be the one devouring you when you get home!”

Ianto blushed.  “I’ll hold you to that cariad.”  And he rang off.

“What was all that about?  Has tea boy found out any useful information?”

“You could say that Owen, both staff and students think he’s hot.  But I knew that already.”

“Why did he have to get that job?  I would have been perfect in that position.  All those lovely women to flirt with!  Just the job for Dr Harper here.”

Tosh grabbed his hand and kissed him passionately.

“Somehow I don’t think Tosh would have been too impressed with that assignment, do you?”

They all looked at Owen and laughed.  Owen just looked at Tosh and winked.


Ianto managed to get through the rest of the day without too many advances from the staff and female students.  He was worn out by the end of the day.  He didn’t realise how difficult it was teaching teenagers, especially those with raging hormones who went after anything young in trousers.

He got back to the Hub and went straight down to their quarters.  Jack found him lying on their bed.

“Was is so bad?”

“Jack, they’re like a different breed.  Are you sure they’re not all aliens?  I managed to escape with my dignity intact….just.”

“What happened sweetheart?” Jack smiled at that last comment.

“Oh the year 9 and 10 girls thought it would be good fun to dare each other to see how far they could push things.  Apparently one of the year 10 students dared the others to see if they could get a feel of my arse and all day I’ve been followed down the corridors and only just made it into my classroom before I was subjected to a good grope.”

Jack spluttered his coffee all over the room.  “Oh Yan, my love, I’m sorry, but you are hot and I love to grope your arse, I can see why they wanted to do it.”

“Yeah, I want you to do that, but come on, teenagers?”

Jack put his mug down and went over to his lover.  Enveloping him in his arms he kissed him passionately and held him tight.  “I’ll make this up to you, I promise.  Once we know what’s going on you can leave and I’ll teach you some new things.”

“Mmmm I like the sound of that Jack.  I can’t wait.  I hope this is over soon, I love you so much Jack Harkness.  Now, take me to Heaven, it’ll get me through tomorrow and the exam.”

For the next few hours, Jack made love to his gorgeous Welshman.


Ianto arrived at the school the following day to be met by the Head of English.  He didn’t like the look on her face, it looked as though she had found out he wasn’t a teacher and wanted a confrontation.

“Morning Mr Jones.  I hear you volunteered to invigilate in the English exam today?  Well I must say, it’s not the norm around here for teacher to do that, but as we’re short staffed on the invigilation side, I’ll let you off this time.  Just remember that we as teachers shouldn’t be doing that.  We employ people to be in exams.”

“I’m….I’m sorry I didn’t realise.  Look I can’t get out of it now and anyway I should have had the year 11’s this morning.  So what harm could it do?”

“I suppose, but I’m just telling you.”  She walked off in a huff.

As she was walking down the corridor Ianto noticed that she shuddered.  This was strange as it was extremely warm in the school.  He decided to follow her.

She went into the English office Ianto stayed at the door.  Luckily no one else from the department had arrived so he was able to watch her through the door window.  What he witnessed worried him.

When she entered the office she locked the door and stood in the middle of the room.  Ianto wondered what she was doing, until she shuddered again, this time shedding the skin of the Head of Department.  He stepped back, hoping that the gasp that had left his mouth hadn’t been heard inside the room.  He carefully looked again.  Seeing no reaction from the lizard like creature in the room he continued to observe.

She – he hoped it was a she – moved across to the box of exam papers on the desk and blew a fine dust cloud over the top of them.  She made sure that the dust had reached all the papers and then replaced the lid of the box.  She went back to the centre of the room and stood with the skin around her.  Shuddering again, the skin rose up and cover her again.  One final shudder and she was back to being the teacher everyone thought she was.

Ianto had to get a copy of the paper.  He knocked on the door and went to enter.  It was still locked but the creature saw him and opened it.
“I’m sorry Mr Jones, but I like to have a few minutes to myself before the madness of the day begins.  What can I do for you?”

“Oh, I was wondering if you wanted me to take the English papers to the hall ready for the exam.”

“Erm….that would be lovely, thank you.  Miss Leadbright will be wanting to put them out in a few minutes.”

Ianto had a chance to take one as he went.  He put it in his bag and took the rest to the hall.

The exam went off quietly, no major upsets, just a group of 16 year old students sitting what they thought was their usual English exam.  But this time when it was all over, they too were in a trance.  Ianto noticed that none of the staff who’d touched the papers, including himself, were affected.  He had to get this one back to the Hub for Tosh to analyse.

He knew how he was going to excuse himself.  He went to see the Principal.  “I’m sorry Mrs Cook, but I’ve got a migrane, and if I don’t get home into a darkened room then I’ll not be any good for the students tomorrow.”

“That’s no problem Mr Jones.  Off you go and I hope you’ll be ok.”

“Thank you.”

He headed back to the Hub, with the exam paper safely in his bag.


Tosh was able to analyse the exam paper quickly.  It turned out that the dust Ianto had seen being blown onto the paper was a drug that only affected the young people.  It wouldn’t affect the staff as their brains were too developed.

“Ok Tosh so what do I do now?”

“You’ve got to go back tomorrow, otherwise people are going to be suspicious.  I’ll get Owen to see if there’s an antidote for the drug, then maybe we can get everyone back to normal.”

“Normal!  I think I like them in a trance.  That way they can’t attempt to grope me!”

“Oi tea boy, you should be so lucky.”

“Thanks Owen, but believe me it’s not good having the female staff and the older female students following you down the corridor all the time.”

They all laughed.  Jack went and placed his arms around his lover and kissed his neck.  “Will you let me grope you?”

“All the time Jack!”  Ianto smiled

“Come on sweetheart, let’s get you downstairs to rest, you’ve got a big day ahead of you tomorrow.”

“Oh please Jack….we don’t want to know what you’re doing.  Just let him alone for once.”

“Sorry Gwen, but you all know what it’s like being in love.”  Jack kissed Ianto again and led him down to their quarters.


Ianto arrived early again the following day hoping to get to the maths papers that the students were due to sit that day.  Owen had managed, he hoped, to create an antidote for the drug that was given to the students the previous day.  As he was making his way to the maths office he was stopped by Mrs Grant, the Head of English.

“Morning Mr Jones, better then are we?”

“Erm….yes thank you Mrs Grant, it was a migrane and if I don’t get into a darkened room, I’m no good for anything or anyone.”

“Good….good.  Where are you going?  Shouldn’t you be setting your classroom up for the year 7’s this morning.  Aren’t you onto the Titanic topic with them?”

“Yes I am but I’ve just got to nip and see Mr Brunt it turns out he’s a friend of my cousin.”  Come on Ianto think, she’s not going to believe you.  You need to get this done before the papers are distributed to the students.

“Oh right, well don’t be too long.”

“No, I won’t, I’ll be back in a few minutes.”  Ianto breathed a sigh of relief, she believed him.

He made his way to the maths office, not realising that Mrs Grant was following him.  He tapped his comms and whispered  “Jack, can you hear me?  I’m on my way to the maths office I got stopped by the Head of English, I think she’s on to me.  I had to come up with a story quick.  Look if you can get yourself to the school, I don’t know, as a potential parent I have a bad feeling about this.”

“Yan sweetheart, be careful.  I’ll be there as soon as possible.  And Ianto…”

“Yeah Jack”

“Love you.”

“Love you too Jack, but I really need back up here.”

Ianto clicked off his comms.  Mrs Grant had heard the whole conversation, she had to stop him.  He couldn’t be allowed to go through with his plan.  She followed him into the maths office.

“Well Mr Jones what have we here?”

“What….oh Mrs Grant….erm….well, I”  Ianto knew he had to confront her, he hoped Jack would get there soon.  “I know who, no sorry, what you are.  I saw you infect the English papers yesterday.  We were concerned that the year 11 students were in that trance when they left school and needed to stop you.  Who are you?”

“We Mr Jones are the Yenos.  We learn through the young of the planets we inhabit.  Then the information we gather we use for when we invade that planet.  We can’t get information from adults, their brains are too advanced.  The teenagers are the perfect targets.  But Mr Jones, I can’t let you carry on.”

She shuddered and her skin left her body, Ianto found himself facing the lizard he’d seen yesterday.

“What are you going to do to me?”

“Well Mr Jones the only thing I can do is to drug you like this.” And she blew a fine dust at Ianto, “then I’m going to devour you.  No evidence so no one will know.”

Ianto couldn’t move he was rooted to the spot.  Whatever it was she’d blown over him had paralysed him.  He could see her moving towards him.  Teeth bared, claws out.  Where is Jack when I need him?  Jack please help me.  He couldn’t say anything he couldn’t speak she’d paralysed his voice box too.

She moved closer to him, mouth getting wider as she approached.  Ianto suddenly felt her claws dig into his arms, she had him in a vice like grip.  Her teeth were dripping with a yellow substance.  Ianto was praying Jack would hurry up.  He was scared.  Since his immortality had happened all those months ago, this was the first time he was scared to die.

Too late, she bit him.  He had a recollection of someone opening the door behind them but didn’t see who it was.  The bite was too much for him to bear.  He passed out.

“IANTO!  Get away from him you creep.  He’s mine and I’m the only one who can bite him, now MOVE!”

The Yenos was startled by Jack’s arrival and dropped Ianto to the floor.  He was dead.  No one could survive the bite she’d taken out of his neck.  Jack aimed the stun gun at her and pulled the trigger.  She fell to the floor.  Owen bounded into the room with restraints and took her to the SUV.

Jack sat on the floor, cradling Ianto’s head.  “Come on my love, come back to me.  I love you.”  He could see the wound closing up.  He knew it must be hurting, he’d had wounds similar and they hurt like Hell.

“Aaaaarrgh!  JACK!  Oh, God Jack, what happened?”

“I’m sorry sweetheart I was just seconds too late, she had you cornered and attacked.  But it’s over now, Owen’s just taken her to the SUV, she’ll make a good companion for Janet for a few days till we can figure how to send her back to her own planet.”

“She told me that they drugged the students because adult brains were too advanced.  They did it so they knew what to expect when they invaded our planet.”

“That’s not going to happen now.  Come on we need to get you home to rest.”

“Mmmm sounds good Jack, but….”

“But what my love?”

“I do believe you promised to teach me a few things when this was over!”

“Oh yeah, I did, but as you’re the teacher here why don’t you teach me a few things as well”

“With pleasure Jack, and I do mean pleasure.  That’s what I have in store for you tonight cariad.  Now take me home and take me to bed.”


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